Knowing the secrets of a really good apology can mean the difference between this:

And this:

Most of us learned to apologize back when we were in preschool and as far as I can tell, few people have upgraded their approach since then.

Remember the drill?

You whacked some girl with your shovel or you yanked the cat’s tail and before you had time to enjoy what you’d done some looming grown-up was pressuring you to say you were sorry. So you took a deep breath and, contrite or not, you managed to squeak out a barely audible “sorry.”

With that, thank goodness, the ordeal was over.

An apology like this is lacking, well… just about everything that a Class-A apology needs.

An apology is worth very little if it’s been extracted, rather than given. If your M.O. is to “demand” an apology, rethink your strategy. A well-executed, sincere apology feels like a gift to the receiver. Once you’ve experienced the real thing, you’ll clearly know the difference.

Worse still is an apology that is an attack or a criticism in disguise. Here are some common apology blunders to eliminate from your repertoire:

“I’m sorry you took what I said the wrong way.”

“I’m sorry that you’re so sensitive.”

“I’m sorry if…”

“I’m sorry that it pissed you off when I did the thing you always do.”

“You want an apology? Fine, here’s an apology.”

Any of these moves sound familiar? If so, I bet you aren’t winning rave reviews for your effort.

Ready for an alternative?

Step 1- Mean what you say

The key ingredient to making a truly standout apology is that you actually have to be sorry. This is essential.

You may not have been sorry for stealing your sister’s cupcake when you were six. But by the time you’re, say,  forty-six, if you forgot to pick your daughter up from her saxophone lesson or you didn’t close the sunroof and the car is knee-deep in rain, unless you’re a sociopath, chances are you feel sorry and you’re ready to say so.

Step 2-  Articulate exactly what it is that you’re sorry for

“I’m sorry I left the cat door unlocked… I overspent at Nordstrom’s… I forgot to pick up the dry cleaning… I drank too much at your office party… I made a joke that embarrassed you.”

I’m not suggesting that you have to wear a hair shirt or fall on your knees. I’m simply suggesting that you look yourself in the eye and be prepared to admit what you’ve done.

Step 3- Self-reflect

A slightly better-than-average apology is consists of Steps 1 and 2, but if you’re going for the gold, you’ll have to do some soul-searching about what led to your misstep in the first place.

One client I worked with refused to keep a calendar, insisting he didn’t need one. Yet, time and again, he missed important meetings, especially with his partner. His new and improved apology included an admission of being both dishonest with himself about his imperfect memory and inconsiderate of the impact that his self-deception had on others.

Another client who was consistently late, admitted that she felt entitled to have her lateness overlooked because she was such a kind and generous mother. This, she said sheepishly, had prevented her from making any apology at all.

Step 4- Seek ways to improve your performance. 

Even the most heartfelt and thorough apology isn’t worth much if you turn right around and do the exact same thing again. A winning apology includes a commitment to change.

Sounds difficult? Consider this. We all make mistakes, but here’s no reason for your apology to be an additional one.

Why not give it a try? I’d love to hear how it goes.

_____________________________________________________________

If you found this article helpful, please share it with others!

Next week I’ll be talking about the logical companion to apology: forgiveness. To receive posts by email, use the sign-up button.