Yes, just one. Even if there are ten things that keep you from being nominated for Spouse of the Year, start by changing one.
Maybe it’s your grouchiness or the way you’re quick to complain. Perhaps it’s your chilliness or your all-bets-are-off style of fighting or how you’ll hang onto resentments until hell freezes over. Then again, it might be your “look.”You know which look. I’m talking about the look that says, this again? Really? You’ve got to be kidding! The look that’s guaranteed to set your partner’s teeth on edge.
When I ask people to identify one thing they could do to be a better relater, very few have a ready-made answer. Most can, without hesitation, list five or ten things that their partner might do, yet they draw a complete blank when it comes to themselves.
“What would she say?” some ask.
“No. What would you say?” I repeat, knowing that when push comes to shove every one of us knows at least one thing we could do to be a higher quality partner.
Several years ago, on the eve of my husband’s birthday, I decided that the best gift I could give him would be to stop making comments on the insignificant, yet annoying, things that he does. How hard could it be to go silent about the sponge being left in the sink speckled with tomato seeds or the wooden spoon ending up in the dishwasher? Or, for that matter, the two (or three, or possibly four) days of newspapers taking up residence on the chair in the bathroom?
How hard? Impossible.
A far too generous accounting would say I lasted forty-eight hours before the first “honey, do you think you could….” slipped through my lips.
I’ll be the first to admit it. Changing our behaviors is no 1-2-3 deal. Pretty much everything is working against any change effort we make. Let’s start with the fact that the human brain is designed to maintain the status quo, even if that status quo is insufferable. As far as your brain is concerned, if you’re not about to be eaten by lions, things are fine as they are.
Then there’s the business of something called secondary gain, which means that even our most crummy behavior and the misery it engenders will, in some form or another, give us a payoff. Even if that payoff amounts to nothing more than a confirmation that life is a bear or that our mother was right that it was a mistake to have gotten married in the first place. If we somehow manage to get past all that, there’s also the hard truth that most of us set low standards for how we treat the person we’ve married.
Even so, I suggest that if you want a better marriage, you can begin by choosing one thing to change and then going about the business of figuring out how to change it. Even if the changing is hard.
In my thirty-plus years as a couples therapist I’ve made the “change one thing” suggestion many hundreds of times. And though not every client has marched out of my office and thrown body and soul into changing the thing that they chose, when those who have done little or nothing complain that their marriage is still in the toilet, I ask why they’re surprised.
Face it. Our less-than-stellar behaviors are responsible for creating our less-than-stellar relationships. Every eye-roll or snippy tone, every impatient sigh or critical comment we make, every refusal to keep to a budget, every carelessness about a commitment we’ve made (and the defensiveness we exhibit when confronted about it) leaves its mark. Eventually, what was once a loving and caring and promise-filled relationship ends up being a wreck.
So it’s up to you. If you want to have a better marriage, you have a place to begin.
Tell me, which one thing will you pick?
I like this, Winifred!! And it’s SO true!
So the question I have for myself is how to decide which “one thing” to change first. And which “one thing” I could stick with . . .
I like your suggestion and have, over the last 26 years applied it many times. I can attest to the fact that it works. For the one person who commented asking what to start with, I can say: start with what’s easiest for you. I started with finding something nice, encouraging, loving, caring to say every day. Sounds easy, but it wasn’t. Now its a routine and it helps the relationship, my wife, and unexpectedly, me 🙂
Thanks for your comment. This is exatly the conversation I was hoping for- to hear from my readers about what one thing they’ve chosen and what happened from there.
Win! One thing seems manageable, now doesn’t it? I would (will rather) check my blog posts in preview prior to publishing. You see, we run our blog as a team and I can be careless.
Recently a client’s “one thing” was to get his after work PTA (and such) meetings posted on the couple’s shared calendar. Similar deal. Good luck!
My “one thing” a few years ago was to make a point to stop what I was doing and get up to greet my husband when he came home from work. More recently, another “one thing” was to make sure no dishes are left in the sink overnight. My husband got on board with that one and does a generous share of kitchen cleanup before bedtime.
Thanks for commenting. Yes, the hello and goodbyes are really important times to connect. For many of us, they can get pretty perfunctory over the years.
Once in a keynote speech John Gottman suggested that people kiss hello and goodbye for 6 seconds. He counted the time out 1-2-3-4-5-6 and asked how many seconds we usually kissed, if at all.
Who has that much time what you’re running out the door? I thought to myself. When I slowed down to do it it was a great way to start the day.
With this reminder, I might give it another go.
Hubby and I like the 6-second (or longer) kiss so much that we affectionately call it a “gottman”.
I speak from the point of view of a woman whose husband of 26 years left her. I am now picking up the pieces, and part of that is the inevitable regret. There are many things I could have changed (and he could have changed), but a lot of these suggestions seemed “corny” to me at the time. Now I know that, yeah, they may be corny, but they’re a precious opportunity to connect. If I’d done them and my husband had rejected my attempts, at least I would’ve known that he couldn’t give me what I needed.
Anyway, thanks, Winnifred, for a really insightful blog. I learn something new every time I read your posts!
Thank you for your comment. Yes, hard as it is, our efforts are never guaranteed to work. The best we can do is make them, come what may.
Every year at the High Holy Days I vow to stop being critical in the coming year, and every year I criticize myself when I find that goal so very far beyond my reach. I love the idea of picking something small and achievable. Why go for the most difficult thing and fail when we can go for the easiest and succeed, propelling ourselves toward future efforts and successes? I’m going to stop making disapproving faces when I believe my wife has made an error. I’m hoping that writing it here will help keep me on task. Thanks, Winifred, and best holiday wishes of every kind to you and yours!
Worthy goal! Small, measurable — and doable, though changing our less than stellar behaviors is never easy.
Warm wishes to you and yours, too.