Looking for some good news?
You can have a better relationship starting today.
While there are no quick-fix solutions, the effort you put into improving your relationship will pay off.
Maybe your relationship just needs a tune-up. Maybe it’s time for a major overhaul. Either way, change occurs in small steps, taken and sustained over time.
With that in mind, here are 52 practical to-dos—one for each week of the year—to get you started. Continue reading
This week, my husband Patrick and I celebrated our fortieth wedding anniversary. To mark the occasion, I booked a room for us at the rustic inn down the coast where we spent our wedding night.
Sitting at a small table by the fire at dinner, Patrick lifted his glass to toast to our many years together. “To us,” he said. “To us,” I replied and at that moment I could see us as newlyweds, at a far table by the window. There we were, young, bright-eyed, naive, in love. So much of life yet to be lived, so much to learn.
Looking at them, I knew they had no idea of the bumpy road ahead, the hard-fought lessons they would learn, the ways they were yet to grow, and the sweetness and depth of connection that their decades together would bring.
Now, at 40 years, here’s what know about marriage that I wish I’d known then:
1. Most people believe that marriage should be easier than it is. The truth is, marriage is hard. It isn’t just you.
2. The ways that you’re different will either make life interesting or drive you crazy. Which of these it is will depend on how open-minded and flexible you’re able to be.
3. Owning up to your own shortcomings becomes easier the more that you practice it.
4. Don’t think having challenges means you’re doing something wrong. All couples struggle. It’s the way that we grow.
5. Every couple writes their own rule book. Who does what. What you can talk about. What can’t be discussed. If you don’t like the rules, make up some new ones.
6. The conflicts you have make sense. They also tell a lot about your strengths and your weaknesses. The sooner you figure out what you’re really fighting about the sooner you’ll actually know what to resolve.
7. Generosity may be the key to a happy marriage. I’m not talking about over-giving or saying yes when you mean no, just to keep peace. I’m talking about saying yes as often as possible because you have plenty to give.
8. No matter how long you’ve been married, no matter how much work you’ve done, you may still find yourself in an idiotic argument about absolutely nothing.
9. More idiotic the argument, the less time you should spend on it.
10. Believing that asking for what you want means you will get it will bring you great suffering. Most things are a negotiation. While it’s important to ask, it’s also important to accept that your partner is not obligated to give you what you want.
11. When saying no, keep in mind point number 7 about the value of generosity.
12. The following words are totally subjective: clean, finished, enough.
13. The chewing noises…knuckle cracking…yawning…sighing…that annoyed you early on are likely to continue to annoy you. Oh well.
14. Learning how to keep your cool when you’re being misunderstood is an essential skill.
15. Never bring your telephone to the dinner table. Same goes for time spent in the car together, watching TV, and snuggling in bed.
16. Blame is a lot easier than being accountable for your role in your difficulties, but I don’t recommend it.
17. Give up on 50-50 and things being fair. Sometimes one person is going to do more of something or not enough of something.
18. Every couple is mismatched in some way. Messy or neat. Early-riser or night owl. Piler or filer. Don’t think for a minute there wouldn’t be some issue with somebody else.
19. Your spouse is not your mother, father, child, or maid.
20. Everything will change over time. Your energy. Your body. Your interests. A long marriage is an exercise in adaptability.
21. A half-assed apology will only make things worse.
22. Forgiveness is important since you’ll both make plenty of mistakes.
23. Any two people can work out pretty much anything if they want to.
24. It’s not sexy to pout or be angry when you’re turned down for sex.
25. What you’re doing now and going to do in the future is as important— or more important— than what you did in the past.
26. If you’ve gotten too busy to kiss hello and goodbye, slow down.
27. Some of your partner’s complaints about you are valid. Some are not. It’s your job to figure out which is which.
28. Saying I love you never gets old.
29. Being told that you’re loved doesn’t get old either.
30. Don’t think for minute that the satisfaction of winning will offset what you lose.
31. In the midst of a heated conversation, surprising things will happen if at the end of every sentence you speak you ask, “What do you think?”
32. When you do this, it’s really important to listen to his or her answer.
33. There’s a big difference between interrupting and “participating” in the conversation. The trouble is it can be hard for some of us to tell the difference.
34. Which way you hang the toilet paper is not a hill to die on. Nor is being the only person who replaces the empty roll.
35. Don’t freak out if now and again you feel hate instead of love.
36. If you hear yourself think, “I have no choice…” think again. The choice you’re facing may be perilous, but resentful compliance is, too.
37. When it comes to making things better in your marriage, don’t be afraid to take the lead. The alternative is saying stuck forever, waiting for the other to go first.
38. Most of us don’t function well under pressure. In all circumstances there’s a really dumb thing to do and really wise thing to do. If we’re able to calm ourselves down, we’re more likely to choose the wise one.
39. There are 101 ways to say “I love you” without saying a word.
40. Forty years will pass in the blink of an eye. The less time you waste on things that don’t matter, the happier you’ll be.
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You’ve heard the advice a million times: Have a regular date night. Spend quality time. Don’t let your relationship fall to the bottom of your to-do list.
And it’s true. Without making time to connect, we end up living like roommates, or business partners, rather than lovers.
But for many of us, time is in short supply. Our days are so packed that by the time the dishes are done or the kids are (finally) in bed, or we’ve answered that one last pressing email, or made that one last call, all we want to do is veg out on the couch.
Here’s the good news: You don’t need four course candle lit dinners or long weekends away to rekindle the sweet, loving parts of being a couple:
1. When time is short, the last thing you need is to be multitasking when you’ve finally got time together. Never mind Facebook while you’re watching a movie. Turn off your phone during dinner and when you’re out running errands together, and, most important of all, when you’ve climbed into bed.
2. Too tired to talk? Put your hand on his arm. Take hold of her hand. And not just for a second.
3. Back when we had young kids, I initiated something called the “five minute date.” The theory behind this was to get the good stuff we got from a night out together— no talk about work, or logistics, or the leak in the sink—without hiring a babysitter or leaving the house. No couple is too frazzled to sit for a few minutes on the back steps together with a cup of tea or a shared piece of pie, watching for shooting stars or just saying hi.
4. Yes, mornings are busy, but we all need to shower. Why not surprise your spouse and make it a shower for two?
5. Story time isn’t only for kids. Rather than reading in bed side-by-side—one of my favorite pastimes—pick something you both like, and read to each other. Or, for a change, download a book from Audible and let someone else do the reading. Don’t be surprised if you drift off to sleep.
6. Remember that song you picked for your first dance? Put it on after dinner and ask, “May I have this dance?” Set it on repeat. The dishes can wait.
7. Instead of that air kiss you give on the way out the door, kiss your sweetie goodbye the way you did when you were dating. Even more challenging, stick with it for ten seconds. One caveat: You might not want to leave.
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This post first appeared on Tips on Life and Love, from Simon & Schuster
It’s what we all want, isn’t it?
A loving and caring relationship. A lasting partnership. A bond that gets better and stronger over time.
If we only knew how.
While having a better relationship requires effort, it isn’t rocket science. There are actions that build loving relationships and actions that all but guarantee unhappiness.
The good news: it’s easy to tell the difference.
More good news: there’s no shortage of healthy moves you can make.
Here are 25 of my current favorites:
1. You know that thing you do that drives your spouse nuts — the wet towel on the floor, the way you sneak a peek at your phone? Why not make a commitment to stop doing that and see what happens?
2. It’s easy to be committed to your marriage when things are going well. True commitment means keeping two feet in when the going gets rough.
3. We all have those chores that no one wants to do. Put one of them at the top of your to-do list, rather than waiting for your spouse to do it. (Yes, even the dreaded call to the cable company.)
4. Say please and thank you. (Your mother was right.)
5. While you’re at it, I’m sorry also goes a long way.
6. Pay less attention to your partner’s role in your difficulties and more attention to your own — it’s the only thing you can control anyway.
7. Generosity may well be the key to happiness. Be loving and generous whenever possible.
8. Know when to shut up (such as, when you’re about to say something critical or mean, or you’re hell-bent on having the last word.)
9. Know when to speak up. Forget about suffering in silence about issues that need to be placed on the table. Never mind settling or making do with conditions you can’t stand. No one is a better advocate for you than you.
10. Practice the three Cs: Compassion. Courage. Curiosity.
11. Accept the fact that truth comes in versions. (As in: It was Tuesday…No it was Wednesday…What do you mean I was angry?) Spoiler alert: you’re likely to fight a lot less.
12. There may be times that one of you is more optimistic about your relationship than the other. Be grateful to your spouse for being optimistic when you aren’t. Sometimes the only thing that gets couples through hard times is that they never wanted to get a divorce on the same day.
13. As the saying goes, we can either be right or free. As far as I’m concerned, being right is overrated.
14. Turn. Off. Your. Phone.
15. One of the advanced skills of marriage is learning to tolerate being disappointed in your partner and learning to tolerate when your partner is disappointed in you. The sooner you accept this, the happier you’ll be.
16. Date nights are great, but not always easy to arrange. Try “speed dating” — as in taking ten minutes to sit down together and give each other your undivided attention. Tea, wine, candle light optional.
17. Long hard day? Too tired to talk? Why not just sit together on the porch and look at the stars?
18. Give up the notion that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition. Sometimes it’s sixty-forty. Sometimes it’s ninety-ten. Why not put in your best effort no matter what your partner does?
19. When there’s a winner and loser, both partners lose.
20. Feel free to ask for what you want as long as you’re clear that you’re not entitled to get it just because you asked.
21. Be willing to take risks. If we want to grow we have to step out of our comfort zone. Without growth and change everything stays the same whether we like it that way or not.
22. Find as many ways as possible to say I love you — with words and without.
23. Sex doesn’t stay hot and exciting all on its own. Use your imagination. Change things up.
24. Set a high standard for yourself as a partner and then strive to attain it.
25. Relationships are hard. When things are difficult, lean in to the challenge rather than give up or feel defeated. When things are going well, open your heart and appreciate all that you have.
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My book, IT TAKES ONE TO TANGO, is now on sale! I’ll be giving away one more autographed copy. To be eligible, tell me, in the comments section, which one point on this list you’re going to start doing.
Have a friend who might be helped by this post or my book? Please share!
For info regarding my talks and appearances, as well as news and inspiring cool stuff about relationships, follow me on twitter: @winifredmreilly and Facebook: WinifredMReilly or check out my book website: onetotango.com
Back in the early, struggle-filled years of my marriage, the self-help books that I read emphasized love and togetherness. But at the time, my husband and I didn’t feel all that loving, and sometimes I wondered whether staying together was even an option.
Many books made it seem like marital strife could be easily corrected. Dozens suggested five or ten or one hundred “simple” things couples can do to be happily married, many of which looked like great ideas for people who were already happy, and utterly useless for couples like us who were in serious distress.
Other books were deeply discouraging, making it seem as if struggling couples were simply mismatched. Marital struggle, it seemed, was an indicator of something having gone terribly wrong: an exception to the rule, rather than the rule itself.
Was everyone else effortlessly using I-statements? I wondered. Were they all being respectful and tolerant, embracing their partner’s uniqueness? Why, then, was the divorce rate so high?
Obviously, lots of people struggle in their marriage. And some forty percent of them give up. Yet nothing I found explained why.
Where was the book called, How to Keep From from Killing Your Partner While You Figure Out Why He Drives You Nuts? I needed that one.
But no such book existed. So I decided to write it myself. Only I’ve called it IT TAKES ONE TO TANGO: How I Rescued My Marriage With (Almost) No Help From My Spouse—and How You Can, Too.
The party line about marriage is that it takes two. It’s what most people believe and many therapists espouse: Marriage is a two-way street, a fifty-fifty proposition.
We’re told that change in a marriage requires a shared commitment to growth, and that for good things to happen both partners must be willing to put both feet into the process.
But if it really takes two people to fix things, what happens when one partner is deeply discouraged, or has one foot out the door? What if you’re desperately longing for change and your spouse digs in his heels?
Does that mean you should just call it quits?
Conventional wisdom would say that it does.
That’s the problem with the “it takes two” approach. It limits our options. It leaves us powerless, waiting for our partner to meet us halfway, do their fair share, put in an effort that’s equal to ours.
The message in my book is simple and empowering: you only need one partner to create far-reaching positive change in your marriage. No matter how frustrated you are. No matter how long you’ve been stuck.
I know from experience that when one partner takes that first step, behaves in a new way, challenges the status quo, the other will usually follow. Sometimes slowly, not always cheerfully, and often not in the way we imagined. But eventually, both partners become stronger and healthier, and so does the marriage.
One person must take the first step. Why not let that person be you?
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My book is now on sale! As my way of saying thank you for being such loyal and enthusiastic readers, I’ll be giving away autographed copies to three people who answer the following question: As a Speaking of Marriage reader, what’s the most useful piece of marriage advice you’ve gotten from my blog? Tell us a bit about what change it inspired in you or your relationship.
Have a friend who might be helped by my book? Please share!
For info regarding my talks and appearances, as well as news and inspiring cool stuff about relationships, follow me on twitter: @winifredmreilly and Facebook: WinifredMReilly
Wedding experts say that the three-month stretch between Thanksgiving and Valentine’s Day is prime time for proposals. With the sparkle of Christmas and the promise of the new year lending an air of romance, nearly forty percent of couples choose this time to get engaged. To my delight, this year, my son and his fiancée are among them.
While the coming months will be taken up with writing guest lists and weighing the pros and cons of a winter wedding (with its possibility of ice storms) or a wedding in June (with its guarantee of mosquitoes) I’m keeping in mind the many years that will follow.
… New Posts
and
… Details — plus previews — from my forthcoming book about how one partner can be a powerful agent for change in a marriage.
Finally, after many months of work, I’ve finished my manuscript and have sent it off to my publisher. So, once I catch my breath, I’ll be back to blogging.
In the meantime, I would love to hear from you with questions or requests about relationship issues you’d like me to address in upcoming blog posts.
See you soon,
Winifred
How many people do you know who would wholeheartedly say that their marriage is great?
How many would say that they’re happier now than when they first got together, that their marriage is one of the most satisfying parts of their life?
Five? Ten? None? Continue reading
We’ve all heard the jokes: The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
I married Ms. Right. I just didn’t know that her first name was Always.
Marriage is talked about as if it’s a jail sentence, a ball and chain, the mistake of a lifetime.
Some have said that marriage is irrelevant and outdated. Others have called it a failed experiment.
Failed? Really?
I’ll be the first to admit that marriage can be difficult. Marriage asks us to grow and to stretch; it calls for flexibility and fortitude and a capacity to love — even (and especially) during really hard times. And anyone who’s been married for more than a month knows that hard times do come.
But there are also sweet times and easy times, times of deep love and affection, times when we’re glad that we’re married to the wonderful, annoying person we picked.
The “marriage is broken” folks seem to be saying that because some marriages are truly miserable, and because, even under the best of circumstances, marriage can be hard, we need to change the rules.
They say we need to stop expecting marriage to last a lifetime, to meet our needs for intimacy, to bring satisfaction and joy.
The trouble with the naysayers is that they talk about marriage as if it’s an entity — as if marriage is some sort of troublemaker; as if there’s something inherent in marriage that sets us up to fail.
To further bolster their argument, they trot out the inaccurate, “bad news” statistic that half of all marriages end in divorce.
Here’s the good news: when it comes to first marriages, 60-70% of them will be marriages that last. And yes, a lasting marriage isn’t necessarily a happy one, but the happiness part — that’s in our hands.
If you’re looking to prove the naysayers wrong:
1. Accept that marriage takes effort if we want to do it well. Many things in life are difficult, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t worth doing. Why should marriage be any different?
2. Relationships don’t just happen. They don’t succeed by magic and they don’t fail on their own. Marriage is something we build from the ground up. It requires care and attention. The more creative and committed we are, the better our marriage will be.
3. The best marriages are based on generosity. No, I’m not talking about over-giving and sacrifice. True generosity is a wholehearted desire to offer the best of what we have. Love, affection, not believing we need to have everything our way in order to be happy.
4. Some of the worst marriages I’ve seen have gotten as bad as they are because neither partner is willing to risk: to apologize, to reach out, to be vulnerable, to name what needs to be addressed. Remember, you have to step out of your comfort zone if you want your marriage to grow.
5. Pay less attention to what your partner is doing that gets in the way of having a satisfying relationship, and pay more attention to what you’re doing, which is the only thing you can control anyway.
6. Accept that sometimes you’re going to be disappointed by your partner, just as your partner will, at times, be disappointed by you. Disappointment is not a sign that something’s gone wrong. It’s simply a challenging fact of life that we, as partners, must learn to handle as gracefully as possible. Freaking out about your inevitable disappointments will make you unnecessarily unhappy, or discouraged, or both.
7. Don’t expect your spouse to be a mindreader. If something is important to you, it’s your job to speak up.
8. Accept that your partner won’t be thrilled about everything you do. Relationships are about being a twosome and about being two separate people who want different things. I don’t advocate behaving in ways that are harmful or inconsiderate, but there are times when we have to act alone — to confront something difficult, to make a bold move, to challenge the rules.
9. Don’t underestimate the importance of quality time. Show up. Make eye contact. Open your heart. And, for goodness sake, turn off your phone.
10. Never believe you’ve tried everything. Most of us do the same ineffective things over and over, and think we’ve given it our all. Yes, some relationship problems are complex and overwhelming, and we have no idea what to do to solve them. But before you think you’re out of options, ask yourself this: What one thing can I do that would make a significant, positive difference in my relationship? Before you give up, go ahead. Go all out.
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75 Ways To Improve Your Relationship Starting Today — plus new blog posts delivered straight to your inbox!
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For news and inspiring cool stuff about relationships, follow me on twitter: @winifredmreilly.
A few years ago a client gave me a refrigerator magnet that reads:
Yep. I agree.
Especially when one of the chores involves the word garage. That’s how our garage ended up looking like a scene from the reality show where they bring in five guys in hazmat suits while a team of kind social workers comforts the hoarder. Continue reading
One of the best parts of my job as a couples therapist is that I get to deliver good news.
Couples come in fearing that their marriage is too far gone to fix, and I get to tell them it’s not.
Yes, some people are in serious trouble and if they keep going in the direction they’re headed, their worst fears will come true.
Still, most couples are simply facing normal and ordinary relationship challenges that they lack the tools to address. Continue reading
It’s that time again — Valentine’s Day. The holiday of romantic love, chocolate hearts, and passionate feelings about whether Valentine’s Day should be celebrated, or banned.
Yes, a dozen red roses, plus dinner, will cost as much as your car payment. And yes, love is as sweet on February 15th and every day after that (and should, indeed, be expressed all year long.)
And it’s true, Valentine’s Day is a red ribbon sales day for Hallmark and Hershey and a host of others who peddle “romance” for profit, creating enough hype and hoopla to turn even the ultra-romantic among us into a Valentine’s Day Grinch.
Still there are those of us who like to make the most of the day. Continue reading
Every day we hear yet another bit of advice about what it takes to have a marriage that lasts. The latest: Find a spouse who can be your best friend.
Seems pretty obvious, doesn’t it?
Kindness, companionship, a special someone to come home to…
For many of us, the friendship we have with our spouse is what we value the most in our relationship. And according to recent research, friendship plays a key role in what makes a good marriage even better.
Mind you, the researchers aren’t saying that you have to start out as best friends. Continue reading
January 1st. The day of fresh starts and new beginnings. The day we vow to eat more green vegetables, actually use our gym membership, and try, once again, to lose those hard to lose pounds.
As we look to the new year, we often focus on ways to be “better” — resolving to do more of what’s good for us and less of what’s not. To (at least most of the time) come from our best.
For a good many of us, finding ways to have a more satisfying marriage is high on our list.
But in our rush for improvement, we overlook this key fact: Continue reading
Next week, my husband and I will celebrate our 36th anniversary.
Some years we’ve gotten dressed-up and gone out to dinner. Other years we’ve simply marked the day with a kiss.
Once, we were both sick with the flu and I vaguely remember clinking our glasses of orange juice together and then sleeping right through the day.
Then there was the year when we were so embroiled in struggle that we let the day pass without even a word.
That’s what marriage is: richer, poorer, good times and bad. Each year with its surprises and challenges, its hard fought lessons, its moments of sweetness.
To honor our many years together, here are 36 lessons I’ve found most valuable: Continue reading
Speaking of Marriage 