Whether you’re a big holiday shopper or a minimalist, here’s one holiday gift your spouse is guaranteed to enjoy.
There’s no need to wrap it and plenty of opportunity to use it.
This year, give your partner a break.
Fifteen minutes late? Think: oh, she had a hard time getting out of the office.
Snappish tone? Think: he must need a hug and some TLC.
All too often we look at our spouse through the worst possible lens: She’s so inconsiderate. He’s such a stickler for detail. We go to always and never, turning individual instances into sweeping generalizations, seeing ordinary annoyances as clear evidence of character flaw.
Some of the most unhappy couples I know keep close tabs on their partner’s transgressions, stockpiling their missteps to be used as ammunition. They’re all over each other’s shortcomings and regularly air their displeasures— giving one another the clear message that they’re being heavily scrutinized and they’re coming up short.
The end result, of course, is a climate of mistrust and defensiveness, a relationship that feels more like a war-zone than a loving alliance.
Every spouse comes complete with his or her annoying behaviors that, like it or not, are unlikely to change. What’s the value, then, of pointing them out?
The alternative: keep track of your partner’s good deeds. Recognize her well-intentioned efforts, her strong work ethic, her kindness. Take note of his patience, his generosity, his willingness to grow.
Giving your partner a break may include any and all of these useful relationship strategies:
Choose your battles (and choose as few as possible).
Allow minor disappointments to pass without comment.
Question your assumptions about your spouse’s motives.
Don’t believe everything you think (about yourself, your spouse and your marriage).
Focus on and affirm what is loving and good in your spouse. Feel free to express it. People rarely complain that their spouse is too grateful.
Find ways to joke about the inevitable ways you drive each other nuts.
Consider your partner’s needs and well-being to be as important as yours. Act accordingly.
Accept imperfection in yourself and your partner. Every one of us is a work in process.
Lose the ledger.
Pay attention to your tone of irritation, condescension, dismissiveness. Remember: you’re a spouse, not a judge or a drill sergeant.
Tackle important issues gently and respectfully. (Not right before bed when your partner is prone to insomnia; not at 7:45 a.m. on the way out the door…)
Recognize and accept that you are two separate people. As such you will think differently, see things differently and consequently respond differently to almost everything. Though we all have our preferences, there’s no right way to be.
Don’t get hung up on fairness. Set a standard for your own behavior and then live up to it, even if you’re sometimes doing the larger share.
Who needs another necktie, soap dish, or useless gadget from the kitchen store?
Never mind the wool cap, the cookbook, the solar-heated travel mug.
This year, give your spouse the gift of love and acceptance, a gift that will quite likely be re-gifted to you.
Got any good ideas to add to the list?
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I found this very touching. I especially loved the line, “Consider your partner’s needs and well being to be as important as your own.”
I like this one, too. Goes a long way toward building good will.
Brilliant , oh sage!
Ha! Don’t know about the sage part but thank you. 🙂
You’ve turned me into one of Pavlov’s dogs. This instant I saw the email alert in my inbox, I raced to see what pearl of wisdom you chose to bestow upon the married masses.
As always, you did not disappoint. I would have to say that yours was far and away the best value of the entire Black Friday mega-event. Priceless advice, and all for free. Yes, this is the gift that can’t go wrong.
So glad you enjoyed it.
The winning combo for me: free and no need to gift wrap.
A perfect gift indeed, and no shopping required, Not only may this gift be re-gifted, but the very act of giving it provides as much joy to the giver as to the recipient–possibly even more!
Good point. Thanks for chiming in with this.
It does feel good to come from our best.
I just love your post and how they speak to me only making me a better me! And that’s the way I like it.
This statement really stood out to me “Don’t get caught up on fairness. Set a standard for your on behavior and live up to it, even if you’re sometimes doing the larger share.” Wow! Basically being accountable to me for my own actions.
I really appreciate such practical knowledge and wisdom. Thanks to you this will be my greatest gift yet;=)
I think you’ve nailed it: becoming our best selves is the key. No small task.
Your appreciation means a lot to me.
Love your post and keep reading them despite not being married. Many of the things you say can be used in friendships.
Someone recently suggested I change the blog title to Speaking of Relationships for that very reason.
So glad to have you reading and commenting.
That sounds like a plan…because these things happen even in friendships
“Find ways to joke about the inevitable ways you drive each other nuts.” Yes! The other night I was trying to pry the lid off something using a fork handle, and my husband kept telling me to use a knife blade instead. I started to chuckle and told him, “You hate the way I do everything” just as the lid came off. “But that’s okay, because I hate the way you do everything, too.” By this time we were both laughing so hard that we almost fell over. Because we have recognized that we are two different people with different ways of thinking, and it is a frequent source of entertainment (or utter amazement) rather than a problem.
Great story. We can either be driven nuts, fight to the death, or lighten up. Hmmm, let’s see which option is best.
lovely Winifred !
Nuggets of wisdom here…thank you for sharing.
Glad you found it helpful.