… New Posts
… Details — plus previews — from my forthcoming book about how one partner can be a powerful agent for change in a marriage.
Finally, after many months of work, I’ve finished my manuscript and have sent it off to my publisher. So, once I catch my breath, I’ll be back to blogging.
In the meantime, I would love to hear from you with questions or requests about relationship issues you’d like me to address in upcoming blog posts.
See you soon,
Relationship Issues – after 25 yrs, 3 yrs of no sex, a convenient friendship is what are “marriage” has become. In your opinion is it time to split up. We don’t even share the same interests. As soon as she gets up the TV goes on. One of my interest is reading. I have bought her a few books on things she likes. Do they get read no.
Are you willing to tackle this issue?
Yes. I’ve been thinking of doing a once a month feature called “Readers Ask…” This would be a great question.
Excellent Winifred. Congratulations on getting published.I have been thinking about you and your book. Please sign me up for one (or a dozen, I am a glutton) once they are printed.
Thanks. I’ll be talking about my book in the coming months. Not likely to hit the shelves until early 2017.
Thank you, looking forward to reading your new book. I have a similar situation as Pete. Married for 31 years, no passion left. I feel as we are just co-existing. The past couple of years have been rough on our marriage, faults on both sides. We have been able to repair some things but I feel my heart is no longer “committed”. I don’t like that I feel this way. I have been praying for the willingness but it has been years. Don’t know, is it possible a sign that it is done?
I’m happy to address this issue since I think it applies to many people.
Upcoming post already in the works, so, as I told Pete, stay tuned.
Thank you! 🙂
Oh this is so nice to read you again, Winifred. Especially with such good news. I don’t have any specific question for you, at least for now, but will be happy to read your blog again. Happy New Year to you!
Nice to be (almost) back.
Completing my book was much more challenging and time consuming than I’d imagined.
I really missed blogging and interacting with readers.
Happy New Year to you as well.
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Congratulations on your forthcoming book Winifred! I have no doubt it will be a must read. I too relate to what Pete and Dawn have expressed. It’s a sad state of affairs after 20+ years of marriage. We are not the same people we used to be. Somehow, our affection for each other has been replaced by complacency, annoyance, and reservoirs of unaddressed hurt/anger. I didn’t expect to find myself in this boat, but I feel trapped, frustrated and adrift at sea without a horizon. I look forward to your ever insightful blog posts about this topic.
Thanks for adding your voice to the conversation.
As you see, you’re in good company. Like you, many couples find themselves angry, estranged, and, as you said, surprised to find themselves in this state.
I do have lots to say about this.
I’m interested what you have to say about avoidant and anxious-avoidant couples.
In the beginning of our relationship, I had terrible anxiety. My husband is super strong and i was attracted to that. He always helped me and tried to get me to grow. But after years of this, he developed zero tolerance, not only for the anxiety but my emotions in general. Even though I’ve grown and no longer weigh on him, it’s like he can’t even find empathy for small stuff, like having a bad day at home with our toddler. Big stuff, yes, like an accident. But I do wish he’d show empathy for the everyday stuff. Like, sounds like you had a rough day, why don’t you rest (or just give me a hug).
I’m also concerned by his tendency toward anger. He gets angry quickly over what I think are silly things, and he will often use what I consider insulting language. (English is not his first language, but the equivalent of “shut up” or insults to my intelligence come up. He thinks I take it too personally and that he these are just things he says in anger. I think regardless it’s not acceptable.) He has recently agreed to work on not using insulting language but I will believe it when I see it. It’s been years that I’ve been asking.
Your book and blog are the only things keeping me going. Some days I feel like I’m fooling myself to think this will work. But I do want to make it work, if not for us, then for our toddler.
I do think marriage is hard for everyone, but what worries me and makes me think that ours is not a normal difficult is that I think most times both partners do want the other to be happy. I worry that my husband does not care enough to work harder. In the meantime, I am taking your book’s advice to do my part, without lecturing him.
Meant to say avoidant and anxious-preoccupied couples. Everything I’ve read has been like “you’re destined to fail.” 😦
No such thing as destined to fail. We are able to improve our levels of attachment. I wouldn’t have a job if nobody could raise their level of functioning and move toward more secure attachment.
Lecturing won’t get you anywhere, as you know. So don’t bother with that. The question you pose at the end is worth exploring. It may not be that he doesn’t care about you. A lot of people set a low bar for themselves. Many have had terrible role models and they’re emulating them. As well, many have very poor anxiety control and lash out in immature, nasty ways. Find a CALM, healthy, strong response to his nasty comments. Something along the lines of “it’s not acceptable any longer for you to speak to me that way. I know you said you were going to work on that. I appreciate that. If you’re upset, please find a more respectful way to speak to me. Now is an opportunity to do things differently.”
Questions to consider:
Is he 24/7 gruff and disrespectful?
Is he kind to his children or dismissive/avoidant there, too?
Do you ever have fun together?
What would he say if I asked him “how’s your marriage?” If he would say it’s not good, what might he want to see change?
Do you think he wants to stay married?
What would he say if you said you’re worried about your marriage?
Your situation is more complicated than my answer can cover here. Not necessarily hopeless, but there are a lot of factors that I don’t know about.
Give this a try and see where it takes you.