So much in life is about the little things, isn’t it? The smell of fresh coffee. A cardinal on the bird feeder. The first crocus in spring.
Even so, most of us assume that our greatest happiness comes from life’s big events, like landing our dream job, getting married, or giving birth to a child. While these extraordinary moments create a brief spike in happiness, current research confirms that sustained happiness is derived from life’s ordinary, everyday stuff. Continue reading
“Chew with your mouth closed!”
“Don’t hit your sister!”
So much of childhood is about learning the rules and then striving to follow them — at least occasionally.
While some rules are unreasonable — like being told to sit perfectly still at age five or made to skip recess, as I was, for doodling on my homework — the basic relationship skills that we learned as children were, in fact, of great value. Continue reading
It’s the first question most people ask when seeking couples therapy after an affair: “Can my marriage survive?”
Most are relieved that the answer is, yes. Continue reading
If you think marriage is hard, raise your hand.
Yep. You and everyone.
Yet, when the going gets rough, it’s as if we develop amnesia about how universally challenging marriage can be and think, instead, that our struggles are a sign that things have gone terribly wrong.
We don’t say, “No big deal. We’ll get through it. All couples struggle.”
What we do is freak out. Continue reading
They make it look easy, don’t they?
You know, those cheerful couples you see chatting away in the grocery line, holding hands in the movie theater; the ones who’ve been married forever and they’ve still got their spark.
Ever wonder, how do they do it? What do they know that I don’t?
Back when I was struggling in my marriage, everyone looked happier than my husband and I. Continue reading
None of us gets married thinking that five, ten, even twenty years down the line we’d be so frustrated or miserable that we’d be considering divorce. Most of us step into marriage with hope and enthusiasm, determined to have ours be a marriage that lasts.
But marriage is difficult in ways few of us are prepared for. And rarely do we have all the tools we need for success. Nor do we have a guidebook or a road map to make the journey easier. Continue reading
It was a typical Saturday at the small neighborhood salon where I regularly go for my manicure and pedicure: a bevy of women giving and getting haircuts, perms and manicures, chatting in an upbeat banter over the background hum of classical music and blow dryers.
Across the room from where I was waiting, two young women sat side-by-side under a pair of hairdryers, giggling and pointing as they flipped through a dog-eared copy of Modern Bride.
Raise your hand if your spouse does something that drives you totally bonkers.
The wet towel on the floor. The toilet seat left up. The kitchen scissors that never end up back in the drawer.
Marriage is chock full of these petty irritations. Sometimes we joke about them. Sometimes we gnash our teeth over them.
Still, most of us would agree that putting the empty orange juice container back in the fridge is hardly worth getting ourselves all in a twist.
But, what is?
The mortgage payment mailed late?
The milk left out to spoil?
Consistent lateness?
A bad attitude?
Maybe.
Then again, maybe not. Continue reading
Valentine’s Day. The day that happy couples exchange kisses and chocolate and go out for a candle-lit dinner. And unhappy couples feel worse about their marriage than on any other day of the year.
With all the pressure to be romantic and passionate, to feel like starry-eyed lovers, to somehow resurrect the mystery and allure you felt in the early days of courtship — after a long day of work and a race home to pick up the kids, after picking up their pizza and your dry cleaning and double-checking with the babysitter — even reasonably happy couples may wonder are we happy enough?
And struggling couples? All the hype and heart-studded hoopla can push them over the edge.
Valentine’s Day generates record-breaking flower sales and the exchange of over a billion boxes of chocolate. It also triggers a dramatic increase in the number of calls made to divorce attorneys. Continue reading
Grumpy? Tired? Looking to let off some steam?
Most of us know just what to say or do to get things off to a bang. Continue reading
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who
can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman
who can’t sleep with the window open.
— George Bernard Shaw
Frustrating, isn’t it?
You ask your partner for something and the answer is no.
Yet, you still want it. It’s important. So you ask again, this time hoping the answer will be yes.
But what if it’s not? What’s your plan B? Continue reading
Let’s be honest. Most of us are more likely to upgrade the operating system on our computer than to revise our marriage vows.
As I sat writing my vows on the eve of my wedding (okay, fine, now you know that I’m a big-time procrastinator) I was no better prepared to face the rigors of marriage than I was to pilot a jumbo jet. And, no surprise, like most soon-to-be newlyweds, the promises I made were idealistic and romantic— based on what I imagined it would take to create a marriage that lasts. Continue reading
“Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention.” — Rachel Naomi Remen
For many of us, what someone says and what we hear may be wildly divergent.
“When can we talk?” can easily translate to “Uh, oh. I’m in the doghouse.”
“You look fine,” can become “he hates what I’m wearing.”
Clearly, listening is not simply about hearing the words someone says. Continue reading
Ahhh, January! The month of good intentions.
The month of diets begun and gym memberships opened, vices sworn off and new beginnings envisioned.
And now, one week in, it may well be the month of “I’ll start over next week.”
If you’re looking to make changes—and to actually succeed—I suggest you start small. Continue reading
Imagine that one morning you sit down to breakfast and your partner hands you a copy of your annual review. There in a bright yellow folder is a formal evaluation, complete with pie charts and bar graphs, highlighting the areas in which your spouse thought you’d excelled and where you’d fallen short.
“Over all, your performance is up from last year. Sex has improved, both in frequency and enthusiasm, and you’re also more punctual, which, as you recall, was a big problem last year. However, you continue to be far too irritable about the house being messy, complaining an average of five times a week…”
Sound far-fetched? Insulting? A sure first step toward divorce? Continue reading
Speaking of Marriage 