Trust and Forgiveness After An Affair

One of the first questions most people ask when seeking couples therapy after an affair is, “Can my marriage survive? Are people really able to heal after a betrayal like this?”

It can be reassuring to hear that, yes, a great majority of couples are able to not only survive, but eventually thrive in the wake of an affair. Yet for many, repair can, at first, seem beyond reach and forgiveness can seem all but impossible.

Today’s New York Times ran an article about the need to reestablish trust after an affair. Molly O’Shea, the marriage and family therapist interviewed in the article, said that she asks the betrayed spouse “what it would take to regain trust and what the cheating spouse can do to prove the affair was a mistake.”

Most of her clients tell her that they have no idea what it would take for them to regain their lost trust. Many assume that nothing will help. The problem, she believes, is that “they’re just so angry.”

I believe the problem is the flawed question she’s asked them. Continue reading →